Autocomplete Me Totally Completes Me

Haven't we all felt like a pig shat in our head at some point?

Have you ever went to Google the best way to rape a woman and came across the best way to reheat a turkey?

…

I mean…have you ever went to Google the best way to reheat a turkey and came across the best way to rape a woman?  Because reheating food is okay.  And raping women isn’t.

Anywhoo,  Google seems to be loaded with odd autocomplete ideas.  I suppose it’s intended to reduce the number of letters your fingers type.  Or maybe Google employees have an excellent sense of humor.  Or maybe 663,000 people really did turn to Google and searched “oh no someone ate spaghetti in the shower again.”

Who am I to judge?  I swear to god if you promised me a delicious plate of pasta, but designated a strange and inappropriate place to eat it, you can bet a delicious plate of pasta I’d accept your offer. Why, that would give me two delicious plates of pasta!

AUTOCOMPLETEME.COM has taken the task of compiling the most hilarious Google autocompletes out there.  Sure, you could randomly put words into Google and discover your own.  But if you’re going to be lazy and look to the search engine’s autocomplete for shits and grins, why not turn to the autocomplete’s complete autocomplete-riffic unofficial blog?

Oh, man. Who banged Johnny 5's robo-woman? Yeah, that's a Short Circuit reference. Look it up.

Big-ups to Bruce for sending me to this most excellent website.  Thank you, Bruce.  YOU auto-complete me.

why so serious: Amy Winehouse

Sometimes celebrities wear too much make-up.  I take that opportunity to make them look like The Joker.  There really isn’t a reason to do so, but there isn’t really a reason to do a lot of shit in life.

Why so serious, Amy?

Wow. Not much I had to do here.

Maybe Being a Detroit Lion Isn’t Such a Bad Thing

As a Lions fan, Matthew Stafford is slowly becoming my hero.

As a man, Matthew Stafford is officially my hero.

This is obviously all for an Axe event or whatever, but would you care why this was happening if this was happening to you?  My favorite part is when she shakes his hand, I guess they hadn’t even met yet.  If anyone sees Marisa around, tell her my hair is full, clean and very touchable as well.  If anyone sees my wife around, don’t tell her I said that.

The Future of Mike Vick

Way back in July, way back before this past NFL season began, I took a look at what teams were a best fit for Mike Vick.

As it turns out, I was completly wrong.  Or maybe just a year early. Vick is still technically signed with the Philly Eagles through next season, but there’s some trade rumors floating around.  The two teams that are sticking  in the Vick-to-? debate are St. Louis and Buffalo.

In July, St. Louis was number two on my educated-guess list.  Miami was number one, which was a mistake.  Dade County isn’t a good spot for someone trying to stay out of trouble. Let’s narrow it down to five teams and play the guessing game one more time.

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS – Jake Delhomme is REALLY not working.  Back in July I said: “Delhomme might be on his way out?  Strong run game.  Mild weather.  Great #1 WR.”  I’ll stick with that.

4. ARIZONA CARDINALS – With Warner retiring, the Cardinals are a new team to consider.  I don’t think Vick would start immediately, but he would provide some kind of back-up to Leinart as the Cards shape a young-soon-to-be-drafted QB.

3. PHILDELPHIA EAGLES – There’s a really good possibility that he stays in Philly.  McNabb has said that Vick is ready to start…on another team, which oozes with insecurity.  But McNabb had a decent season last year and Vick had a role that helped his team.  The Eagles have always stuck with a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality.  Westbrook is getting old?  Draft a mini-Westbrook in McCoy.  We don’t have receivers?  Keep passing it.  McNabb gets us to the playoffs.  Keep him around,  Coach Andy Reid looks like the Kool Aid dude with a waffle house menu? So what, OH YEAH, he’s winning.  The Eagles had a nice run in 2009, why not keep Vick around?  He won’t bring you much in a trade anyways.  Unless Al Davis wants him.

2. BUFFALO BILLS - They were way back at the end of my 11 team list.  Trent Edwards has taken a giant step backwards.  The Bills have a lot of needs and play in a very tough division.  Vick would be a good value in trade and allows them to concentrate on other needs in the draft.  And according to Willis McGahee, Buffalo doesn’t have too much going on, so Vick could keep his nose clean.

1. ST. LOUIS RAMS – It’s not a secret that the Rams are considering a very studly DT with their first round pick this year, but they need a quarterback.  Marc Bulger looks even more uncertain to start next year than he did last year.  Again, as I previously said: “Good running game, fast indoor turf.  St. Louis also needs to make a change to get a spark going.  This would be a good match-up. “

So I’d like to officially add to the Vick-to-Rams hype.  I think it’s the best situation for both teams.  Where do YOU think Vick will end up?

‘The Crazies’ Looks Crazy Good

I caught the trailer for “The Crazies” before watching my netflix-ed 500 Days of Summer (A fantastic movie, bee-tee-double-u).

If you’re old enough you might recognize this as a remake of George Romero’s 19-seventy-something original.  If you’re young enough, you don’t really care about that.  But really, with today’s Hollywood big money budgets and special effect power a movie like this needs a remake.  Here’s a synopsis I came across from TrailerAddict.Com:

“Imagine living in a small town where everything is safe and happy… until suddenly it isn’t. Imagine your friends and neighbors going quickly and horrifically insane. In a terrifying tale of the “American Dream” gone horribly wrong, four friends find themselves trapped in their hometown in The Crazies…”

EDITOR’S EDIT: Just a quick gripe.  As haunting as it is, the piano driven track “Mad World,” is a tad overused in movie and video game trailers.  (See Gears of War)  It works for this trailer, but I’m just sayin… 

This kind of movie is right up my alley.  Society turning on itself.  Military stepping in and overboard.  Oh.  And mother-fuckin’ zombies.  I’m not expecting a beautiful script, superior acting or mind blowing videography.  I think the plot will engage me for 2 hours or whatever.  The Crazies hits theaters  February 26, 2010.

iPad? No, thanks.

Ooo. Look shiny, new nonsense!

(Inset your iTampon joke here.) 

There seems to be two camps when it comes to Apple’s new “must-have” device.

Those who are in love with the iPad and those who think the giant iPhone is a giant redundant piece of technology.

I’m with the latter.

PCMAG.COM recently released a list of “Ten Great Apps for the iPad.”   Let’s review, shall we?

1. AP MOBILE - Awesome.  Now I can get news, sports and pictures whenever I want! Oh wait, I can already do that with my phone, or my wife’s netbook, or my computer or someone else’s iTouch…or holy shit, the news paper.

2. EPICURIOUS – A digital cookbook.  What a horrible fucking idea.  When I cook, there’s sugar, raw meat, eggs, cinnamon, cilantro, flour, walnuts, granola, cucumbers and water everywhere.   I don’t feel like paying $500 bucks to quickly ruin a new “digital cookbook.”  In  a related topic, don’t ever come over for dinner.  That’s not a meal you want to eat.

3. FACEBOOK – WOW?!  You mean, I can get on Facebook, like, when I’m not on a computer?!  HOLY SHIT!?  Wait a second…it’s 2010?! 

4.  FLICKR - Two things here that bother me.  One: unless you’re somebody’s grandmother you aren’t REALLY on Flickr.  Two: The iPad doesn’t even take photos.  WTF.

5. GOOGLE EARTH - When, and be completely honest with yourself and the rest of the internet, have you EVER, truly NEEDED to use Google Earth?  You’ve only lived in so many childhood homes and they all kinda look the same from a satellite anyways. 

6., 8.,9. and 10. GRAND THEFT AUTO, MADDEN, THE SIMS AND SIM CITY - I hate using the same “what year is it again?” joke, but really.  Is it 2003?  These games are old news.  I consider myself a gamer.  If for some reason I decided to ever play GTA, The Sims or Sim City again, I’m pretty sure I’d play them on a machine that is worth playing them on.

7. KINDLE – Honestly, this is the only thing that makes sense to me.  Even still, there are ACTUAL digital readers that are far cheaper and don’t require a monthly service fee and contract.

All of that being said, the iPad will sell.  You’ll pass Apple Stores and people will be inside, flipping their shit.  They’ll jizz in their pants.  Anything with that fruity logo that’s advertised with understated graphics and a hip new song will sell.  I’m kind of embarrassed to be apart of this generation right now.  As a music lover, I understand the need for an iPod.  I’ll even let your iPhone wishes slide without giving you a hard time.

What kills me is these people out there with MacBooks and Apple Workstations that have no business owning them.  If you’re in a digital media/art field, cool.  If you want to blow $1500 bucks to look cool at Starbucks, go spend another $499 bucks on an iPad and smash yourself over the head with it.

Michael Jackson’s Personal Ish

One of the many items to be displayed that will remind you how much a wack job Mr. Jackson really was.

To your left, the King of Pops’s Corn Pops.

To your right, M.J.’s last carton of O.J.

Sounds thrilling right?  I don’t think so, Tim.  When will people LET IT GO?

A new exhibit featuring Michael Jackson’s personal items will go on display in London.  Can we please move on, everyone?  Let’s all collectively agree to move on.  Maybe we’ll make it a non-holiday.  Let’s all agree to stop talking about Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson’s family, Michael Jackson’s stuff, Michael Jackson’s troubles, Michael Jackson’s doctor, Michael Jackson’s new movie, Michael Jackson’s almost-tour, Michael Jackson’s nose, and Michael Jackson’s Michael Jackson-est moments.

After all, there are a LOT of other important stories out there like The Balloon Boy, how scary Paranormal Activity is, whatever the fuck Kanye is screwing up, Pornstars’ actual sex tapes, and what happened on One Tree Hill last night.  Can we please focus on the more important issues at hand? …PLEASE?

Things I Hate: Subway’s Lettuce

That's a lot of pants.

The squirrely looking college kid behind the plexiglass cough guard has it all wrong.  I didn’t order the lettuce sandwich.  I like lettuce and everything, but I do NOT need that much lettuce on my sandwich.

I hate that Subway tries to stuff the hell out of my sandwich, making it:

• Way too wet
• Extra messy
• Way too…Lettuce-y….

I love Subway as a fast food destination.  Five Dollar Footlongs are a great deal!  Maybe they think the sandwich needs to look bigger than it is?  Maybe they think that’s what America wants: a giant, messy sandwich.  Probably though, they are trying to fool the consumer into believing they are getting more sandwich for $5 bucks.  If that’s the case Subway, shame on you.  Shame on you for ruining what is usually an excellent lunchtime experience.  

Also, please stop putting the lettuce up your noses, ar-tards.  And when I ask for mustard, I don’t need the entire bottle.  K? Thx.

Asher Roth in ATL

I was stoked to log-in to Facebook, and sitting on my feed was this video of Asher in the ATL.  The very show we were at.  We hung out after and got to meet Ash and Cudi.  The cameras were there to catch that, too.  My wife and I appear at the 7 minute mark.  Pretty cool!

Wild Ideas for Where The Wild Things Are

I’ll be honest. I don’t really remember the book, Where The Wild Things Are, from my youth. I know it’s uber-trendy right now to be all nostalgic about it, but I’m not and you should cut it out, Douche-Bag. I will say the trailers look magnificent and I might just go see this one. The music, the lines, the scenery. It all kinda gives me goosebumps. There are a lot of opportunities for spin-offs. I’m an idea man, so I’ll give a couple ideas for all the budding screenwriters out there.

• Where The Wild Things Aren’t – Starring Meryl Streep and James Earl Jones.
• Where The WildCats Are – A study on the NFL’s hottest offensive formation.
• Where The Girls Gone Wild Are – No description needed.
• Where Are The Wild Things Now? – Catching up with Neve Campbell & Denise Richards.
• Where The Child’s Things Are – An intense horror/thriller set on the Neverland Ranch.